Geek Business

I've recently been using several methods to be lead to SOMETHING. I've actually put myself through fruitless attempts on my future, using all that's left of my confidence and self-acknowledgement - well, part of what I've gained so far. Pitifully, I still don't know what to do. But what mostly pains me, is that I ONCE knew what I wanted, that there was a time when I had the luck to find that very thing that could spark the excitement out of me...

There's a deep-rooted thing in every me (you know, the two-faced personality things with those pretty bordered boxes called 'logic boundaries' that are ABSOLUTELY different from one another?) that has a lust for something I have to put tremendous pressure on so that 'll be able to find out what my life's actually about. But it looks like I'm becoming increasingly fearful. Fearful of trying. There's that fucking phrase in my mind... "Try though you might, you will never succeed". But it's not true, is it?

Every theory I think of sparks a controversy between my two sides, but in a way, I can reach a conclusion rather easily when I write my thoughts down.

Sometimes I think I have to be under constant surveillance. I don't trust myself. Ι have a tendency to malfunction breakdowns, you see.

Note to self: Under no condition should I give up again.